(novelisation by Martin Noble, adapted from the screenplayby Ron House, Diz White and Alan Shearman)
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Contents
Prologue, The Somme, 1916 ........................................... 5 PART 1: THE RISE AND FALL OF BULLSHOT CRUMMOND ...................... 9 1 In which Captain Crummond is visited by ennui and Lord Binky Brancaster ...................................... 10 2 In which Miss Fenton stumbles on the catalyst and Lord Binky Brancaster stumbles on a pigeon ................. 16 3 In which the Yard is daunted by a flabbergasting formula and floored by a dagger flaunted in a garter ................... 22 4 In which the Professor's numbers are halved in a locket and the numb Professor is locked in a harlot ................... 27 5 In which the Captain crouches at Brancaster and sniffs a whiff of intrigue and the Count intrigues at Netherington and braves a whiff of Crouch ................................... 31 6 In which an exercise is remembered and a member is re-exercised ................................... 35 7 In which the Professor is betrayed by an involuntary slip of the tongue ........................... 39 8 In which the battle is won by an oar and lost by a potted palm ...................................... 42 9 In which Miss Fenton commits two faux pas and Captain Crummond passes two foes ........................... 47 10 In which the Captain makes up his mind at the mantelpiece as the Count makes up his face at the mirror ................... 57 11 In which the cunning arm of blind fate starts a taxi and stops a bus ................................................ 61 12 In which Lenya von Brunno is caught in her bad habits and the Black Baron of Blitzburg exposes himself ............... 66 13 In which the Hun are scotched by a Roedean downpour and a Scotchman is poured down under the road .................. 69 14 In which Hawkeye McGilliecuddy falls into a tree, Captain Crummond falls into a window, and Miss Fenton falls into a swoon ............................. 74 15 In which Miss Fenton kills with kindness and talc, Hugh Crummond destroys a Whippet with his bare hands, and a lumbering monster is put out of its misery ............... 80 16 In which we see the rise of world destruction, the growth of a myth, and the decline and fall of an inflated legend ................. 86 PART 2: THE RETURN OF BULLSHOT CRUMMOND ............................ 91 17 In which the hardest substance known to man is created in an underground torture chamber laboratory, hides under Miss Fenton's cushion and inside her Chinese urn, and promises to be home in time for tea ........................ 92 18 In which Crummond is fooled by a French widow and Crouch is foul by a french window .......................... 96 19 In which the Captain mounts a rescue and Lenya mounts the Captain .................................. 102 20 In which Dr Blitzer's beep is blown by Albert Einstein, the Black Baron's bamboozle is blown by Miss Fenton, and the most brilliant minds in the universe are blown by a giant aerosol .................................. 106 21 In which an extraordinary theory sticks in Dr Einstein's throat, an explosive fury sticks in Captain Crummond's mouth, and an excruciating flunkey is stuck on Miss Fenton's feet .... 118 22 In which Miss Fenton prepares to die in a quarry and Crouch dies to quarry Miss Fenton's pears ................. 115 23 In which the Hun nation are taught the meaning of pluck and how to bat by the rules, and the British nation are caught out for a duck and stumped in the goolies ................................... 120 24 In which Captain Crummond arises like a phoenix from the ashes and is buried in the hardest substance known to man ......... 124 25 In which something soft, wet and squidgy moves under Miss Fenton's legs and starts up Captain Crummond's ferocious Lagonda ........... 129 26 In which Captain Crummond wrestles with eight talking tentacles and goes down for the Count .................................. 132 27 In which Dobbs instructs his master's friend to throttle a motorcar and Lenya destructs His Master's Voice to throttle Miss Fenton ...................................... 135 28 In which science is unchained from an armchair and sorcery is unplugged on a four-poster bed ................ 138 29 In which a gangling goggly-eyed giggler gambols in her goggles and a grunting gurgling gargoyle gambles on his gunnery ....................................... 143 30 In which the Captain has a plane to catch and the Professor has a shoulder to cry on ................... 147 31 In which you will truly believe that an Englishman can fly ... 151 32 In which Rosemary gets her man, Binky does his bit and Bullshot pulls it off .................................... 154 Epilogue ......................................................... 157
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